My first Pastoral Care Moments

So i was straightening my hair this morning reflecting, like i usually do in the morning when i realized something….

Looming in my head is the question I have to answer for my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Experience) Internship Application – “describe a moment when you provided pastoral care for someone”. While that all seems well and good, it is a daunting task to think about times when you provided pastoral care to someone. First of all I am not even really clear what Pastoral Care really is yet, further more I don’t think I would know how to do it at all, would probably flub it up and send someone screaming from the church. Can you tell i am a little apprehensive about the Pastoral Care Counseling stuff?

So then it happened…. two in one night… I couldn’t believe it. My best friend Steve has been talking to someone on line for some time now, and while i get to play fairy-godmother to his latest ramblings of relationships, this one seems pretty well centered. While they are still in the early stages of talking to each other, Steve’s on line friend, Chris, kind of confided in Steve the other night something that isn’t the easiest of all topics to deal with: the death of a father. Chris hadn’t spoken to his father in 20 years and for that matter had not spent any kind of real amount of time talking to any of his family. So he was perplexed by what to do in the light of possibly going to the funeral for his father. Steve didn’t really know what to do with all of this, and while trying to figure out the dynamics of his on line relationship with Chris was both excited for the confidence but I think a little freaked out at the gravity of the situation.

Death is something we all deal with you could say it is the great unifier of us all – it is fitting that the family is the unit that is primary in dealing with death. Family dynamics are not always easy though, they are difficult and get bogged down in relational conflict. Emotions and ideologies stress and strain family relationships. I see that first hand in my friends families because coming out as gay isn’t the easiest thing for families to handle.

So what about Chris, he doesn’t want to go to the funeral – his family isn’t going to be supportive of him being there, he doesn’t have a relationship to speak of with his father that would give him closure at the funeral. He has closed that part of his life, why on earth would he want to go back to it? Well death is a funny thing, we hold up at funeral’s the celebration of the individual who died, but it doesn’t do anything for the person who’s life we come to celebrate, instead it is a way to bring closure for the living, one last chance to say goodbye. So why would someone who has already said goodbye want to go to a funeral. Well it is for two reasons. One it is a way for him to support the family, our selfish desires should not cloud our thoughts when it comes to family matter like this, and that this might be God’s way of bringing closure to the whole family both with Chris’ gayness and the strained family dynamics of the past 20 years.

It felt natural, like i was just talking, but for me the spirit was moving because in the back of my head i was thinking that I had no idea what i was going to say. In hindsight i think i said some pretty incredible things. It’s amazing what happens when you stop speaking and listen and allow God to use you as an instrument for his peace.

Later on in the evening, Amy, looked over at me and said, “Well Pastor Bryan, what I am I going to do about my crack head mother in law.” At first I thought she was half joking, and so i replied with, “well that is why we call them in-law’s my dear.” Of course after clarification we learned that she really does deal with drug addictions. To which i replied, “you love them”. Having a brother who deals with addictions has taught me that: there is nothing more to do then to love them. I could tell that the subject was something that Amy was thinking about for some time and that clearly it was a cause of concern for her as she prepared to be married into this family. So here comes the great leveler statement….”where do you see God in that?” Well we see God in that Amy because you were put in Ryan’s life for a reason, maybe Ryan’s family is no longer strong enough to deal with it, or that they haven’t been given the right tools to deal with a family situation like that. You Amy are strong enough to deal with it, and maybe that is why God has put you in Ryan’s life. Let’s celebrate that, let’s lift that up as being part of God’s wonderful plan that God gives strength to those around us when we need it.

So again this morning i was doing my hair when i had the revelation that in a moment when i didn’t think that i was doing anything, i had in fact been there for people, provided care for people when they needed it. I can do this…..